


imagine

by drqco



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Childhood, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. centric, Fluff, M/M, Neurodivergent Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Sonny centric, They/Them Pronouns for Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. (Law & Order: SVU), sonny has adhd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:49:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26353714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drqco/pseuds/drqco
Summary: when they open their eyes, the fantasy falls away. the sand and the water would bring them back to princes bay, staten island, with their less than accepting family and shitty school and shitty friends. they get up, dust their shorts. sonny smiles to themselves as they chase the euphoria of their daydream, hoping, praying, that a world like that exists.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	imagine

**Author's Note:**

> imagine making something so self indulgent as this. no you can't. just kidding u probably can. 
> 
> i was watching 18x15 when i came up with this idea. basically, this guy runs an app that knows everything, in turn he knows everything, and when sonny goes to check it out--the guy rattles off sonny's high school (tottenville high) and where they're from, princes bay. did some research, found seguine point, and decided to turn this into a fic !! this is really just a character study about sonny's past, the way i headcanon it. 
> 
> sonny is nonbinary here and uses they/them throughout the whole fic :) sonny dealing with being n-b is also dealt with in the story--so know that going in. religious guilt & conflict is also mentioned here (because could it really be a fic i wrote if i didn't write about sonny and religion?). ALSO. sonny has adhd here as well, but it's mentioned !! i refer to them being diagnosed with it towards the end. 
> 
> oh well, that's it. this is mostly really niche and me projecting because. well. sonny's my comfort character, why wouldn't i at this point lol. enjoy :)

sonny always wished they were something else. 

maybe it was because they were in high school. in high school, you never wanted to be yourself. especially at tottenville high. especially in prince’s bay. especially in staten island. if you were different, you’d suffer. sonny understood that. they understood it once bobby bianchi through them through a plate glass window. 

so sonny hides. they fake everything. you be the person everyone wants you to be. and for sonny, it meant joining the basketball team and baseball team, going to extra training sessions with their father, being an altar boy. being the all-american child the carisi family wanted so badly for sonny. and sonny was a pacifist. they hated conflict, hated fights, hated arguing. for the last seventeen years of their life—they’ve taken it with no arguments.

sonny knew they were—different. school was difficult for them. they couldn’t sit still, couldn’t stay focused. the only way the could was through clicking their pen or tapping the table, but their teachers always got mad at them for that. told them to shut up and sit still. sonny tried, but they ended up failing most of the time. they don’t really know what it is. God, and their weird, recent obsession with crime tv shows. they could sit at the television for hours, unfazed, completely focused on the show. sonny wished they could do that at school, at least. 

their ideals differed from their family, from their church, even the kids at school. while their family was conservative, traditional—sonny was the opposite. they don’t see any point in hating boys who liked boys or girls who liked girls. or boys who wanted to be girls and girls who wanted to be boys. God made you who you were, right? sonny wished they felt the same way towards themselves. 

they felt like they were in between. it was weird, they didn’t feel like a boy or feel like a girl. they cringe when their family uses “he” for them. they remember one night, staying up late to think about themselves. sonny used they—and it felt right. everything seemed to make sense then, even if a part of sonny didn’t want it to make sense. 

"feminine" things appealed to them too (even though sonny firmly believes that masculine and feminine things don’t exist. they’re just—things). they’ve tried teresa’s makeup in secret before (she ended up getting mad at bella for stealing some), or bella’s nail polish. or gina’s dress at one point, pink and white with flowers. it was late at night, they snuck it out of her room. in their room, they spun around and laughed, admiring the way it looked on them. soft and cool—it would look nice with their converse. 

they have the same feeling when they think about boys. with their touches and smiles and big mouths. or their cropped hair and tiny mustaches. honestly, they kind of smelled, but sonny could push it away, at least for now. 

deep down, sonny knows it’s okay to feel this way. because God made them how they are, and they’re perfect like that, right? but most of the time—sonny’s overcome by guilt. that by terror, sadness. 

that night when they decided on new pronouns, they cried so hard, they didn’t get out of bed until two days later. prayed so hard their head hurt. after using teresa’s makeup, they panicked and washed it off with hot water until their face was beet red. they threw it out, it was why teresa got so mad. with bella’s nail polish, after they bit their nails continuously for a month. and with the dress? sonny ripped it off themselves, crumbled to a pile on the floor, and wished God would punish them. the euphoria, the contentedness, the happiness, the feeling of something right in their life for once, replaced with guilt.

they’re terrified that God’ll send them to hell, let them rot there, even though they’ve been a good person. they cry a lot (they’d never let their pa see them, though) thinking about their parents, their family. 

sonny loves them a lot, even though they’re pushy and they disagree with them most of the time. they hug them and kiss them and always pack good lunches. they watch movies with them, they bond, they’re close. their ma says, “sonny, you could tell us anything, okay?” but if sonny told them ‘anything’ they’d be out of the house quicker than they could finish their sentence. was that love? sonny wasn’t sure. 

sonny wasn’t sure of anything, really. they want to—but they’re afraid. afraid of God, their family, their friends. but there was one place where they weren’t—seguine point.

seguine point was a small beach. everyone around calls it one, even though it really wasn’t. it was just a small strip of sand, there weren’t even waves that came up to shore. just little rolls of water. at night, you could see the princes bay lighthouse, and the boats that were out late. but mostly it was just sonny out on the beach, alone, with their bike.

funnily enough, they didn’t feel alone. not at seguine point. it felt so comforting, with the rocky sand against their feet and the ocean breeze and the moon. they usually went at night, when everyone was gone. 

right now, sonny sits with their feet in the sand. they had biked here as they always do, when they wanted to be alone. it was only 20 minutes away. they have their knees pulled to their chest, their gangly limbs so long and lanky. they rest their head against their scraped knees, letting the sound of the tiny rolls of water fill their ears. 

here, they imagine a different life for themselves. they can close their eyes and pretend, even if it’s for a little while. in their world, their family is accepting. they tell their ma and pa that they like boys, that they’re neither a boy nor a girl—and they love them just the same. they can wear whatever they want—whether it be their favorite baseball jersey or a skirt. none of it mattered and they’d love them the same. 

they imagine the boy of their dreams, too. sonny would share this moment with him. the two of them would sit on the sand, knees pulled to their chests, admiring the waves and the moon. but sonny wouldn’t look at waves, no, they've looked at them for far too long. they’d stare at their boy, admire his smile and his eyes and his nose and his everything. he’d be in reach, not too far out for sonny to hold. they’d kiss and it’d feel like magic, like everything would make sense. they’ll rest their head on his shoulder here, live in this moment forever. 

sonny wouldn’t care what he’d look like, really. as long as he was kind, loving, accepting. he’d help them through everything, and sonny would do the same. he'd be able to keep up with their racing mind, help them figure out what’s going on in their brain. sonny would love him till the ends of the earth, intertwine them until they were one and the same. they’d comfort him and hold him when he felt down, and would let him pepper kisses all over when them when he was happy. sonny wouldn’t imagine spending their life with anyone other than this boy, this man. seguine point lets them imagine. 

when they open their eyes, the fantasy falls away. the sand and the water would bring them back to princes bay, staten island, with their less than accepting family and shitty school and shitty friends. they get up, dust their shorts. sonny smiles to themselves as they chase the euphoria of their daydream, hoping, praying, that a world like that exists. 

— 

sonny lays with the man they love inches away from them. his usually hardened features are softened during sleep. his nose scrunches, a smile rests on his face. his wrinkles on his forehead were gone. he’s adorable, sonny thinks. and sonny can’t help but lean over and rub their thumb on his cheek. 

the two of them lay in sonny’s old bedroom. sonny took rafael with them to see their family, to introduce rafael to them. they hugged and kissed rafael as if he was their own. rafael was a dream to them, they couldn’t really believe he was real. they think about this as they watch rafael sleep, but then, rafael stirs. 

“sonny?” rafael’s voice is raspy, tinged with sleep. his eyes open, revealing the soft, green eyes they loved so much. sonny smiles at their boyfriend, saying, “did i wake you?” rafael nods and yawns, rubbing at his eyes. when rafael woke up in the middle of the night, he usually didn’t fall back asleep unless sonny was with him. but tonight was a special occasion. “come with me,” they whisper. sonny gets up and digs through their shared suitcase, throwing on their favorite hoodie—rafael’s harvard sweatshirt. it’s big and loose on them, but it smelt like rafael and it felt like a hug.

“where’re we going, sonny?” rafael asks, but gets up anyway. rafael is wearing a red long sleeve shirt, it goes down to his palms. sonny smiles at the sight, before putting a finger to their lips. they take rafael’s hand and drag the sleep-ridden man throughout the house, making it out the back door. “what,” rafael mumbles, grunting. sonny ignores him and runs over to their shed, opening it as quietly as they can. they see their prize—their old bike.

it still ran really well, their pa still cleaned it even after sonny left home. it was perfect, it had a rack in the back too. sonny knew it’d fit the two of them, sonny had tried it before with their pa. 

“fuck no,” rafael groans when sonny brings it over to him, starting to turn back into the house. “trust me, raf,” sonny whispers, just loud enough for rafael to hear. rafael stands on the back porch, motionless, as if contemplating his decision. sonny suppresses laughter when rafael trudges over, straddling the back rack and sitting down. sonny smiles and turns their head to kiss rafael quickly, before hopping on the seat and peddling. 

they still remember the way to seguine point. it’s just one road straight through—hylan boulevard. it’s only the two of them out here, and rafael’s yelps and groans fill the air. “why do i love you, again?” he asks after hitting a speed bump. “i’m too old for this,” rafael groans, wrapping his arms around sonny’s middle and resting his head against their back. sonny relishes in the warmth, causing them to pump harder. 

“never too old for a bike ride, raf.” 

“only when the bike ride is at three in the morning and we’re sharing one bike!” he bites back. but sonny knows he doesn’t mean it, the way rafael holds them and rests his head tells sonny otherwise. 

in 20 minutes, seguine point comes into view. the small strip of beach accompanied by the tiny rolls of the waves. sonny pushes them forward until they reach grass, before hopping off with rafael. the cool, autumn breeze is calming, soothing. “c’mere,” they say, taking rafael’s hand and leading them towards where sonny used to sit and dream. 

the beach is lit merely by the moon. it’s a full moon, and sonny can see miles and miles of water. rafael’s hand grips theirs, intertwining as they make it to the sand. sonny finds their old spot, before plopping down, patting the spot next to them for rafael. 

“i used to come here all the time. i’d imagine everything in my life was different,” sonny says, pulling their knees to their chest, resting their head on them. “like, kids imagined themselves as heroes. or princes or princesses. or animals or creatures. but i just wished that my family loved me for me.” the memories of their old days spent here flow back. nights spent wishing for their parents to love them for who they were. or having conversations with God—praying for either whatever they felt to go away or for their parents to love them. 

“your wish came true,” rafael muses, hand finding its way to sonny’s nape. sonny relishes in the touch, leaning onto him. rafael was right. so much has changed since then. they have an accepting family, a boyfriend. everything little sonny wished for and dreamed. something little sonny never imagined they’d actually have. they realize it then, with rafael’s hand traveling to their hair and warm sand against their feet. “i’d imagine you, too, y’know.” 

the moon is bright enough to show rafael’s expression, quizzical. sonny laughs at him, leaning up to kiss him quickly. “boy of my dreams. man of my dreams, actually. we’d sit here and share this moment together. and i’d lay my head on his shoulder, i’d want to live in this moment forever,” sonny admits. rafael chuckles and holds them close, rafael’s own cheek resting in sonny’s hair. sonny snuggles closer, closes their eyes. “i wonder what young-you would think if they knew where you’re at right now,” rafael ponders. 

sonny knows. young sonny would shake their head and laugh, dismiss it like they’ve never thought about it before. dreams and fantasies—they didn’t come true. this moment, right now, would seem so far fetched to their younger self. if they had the chance, though, they’d do everything in their power to convince their younger self that it’d happen. they’d tell them that there’s a boy—man, now, with a snarky attitude and soft eyes and a sarcastic smile waiting for them. he was kind, loving, and accepting—everything they wanted. 

they helped each other through the good and bad. the two of them would be intertwined. the man would tell them that there was nothing wrong in their brain, take them to a psychiatrist, help them the best they could when they got diagnosed with adhd—something that younger sonny had no clue about. the man loved them for who they were, whether they wore suits or the occasional skirt. rafael barba would help sonny figure themselves out, even if it was difficult. kissing rafael would feel like magic, and sonny would want to do it over and over again for the rest of their life. 

they would share this moment together, with sonny’s head resting on rafael’s shoulder, just as they imagined. life would be so different. 

when rafael and sonny returned home to manhattan, sonny likes to imagine that they saw a kid, sitting alone, just a little ways away. they had brown and blonde hair, gangly limbs. they had their feet in the sand and head turned to the sea, their eyes closed—imagining.

**Author's Note:**

> my twitter: @SAPPHICTAMIN say hi :)


End file.
